Yesterday was a very exciting day. But not because I was auditioning for one of the biggest stars in the music business. But because I truly pushed myself to do something I thought, up until 5 mins before the audition, I was too scared to do.
For those that know me well , know that I have battled with stage fright and insecurities of the stage for years. Even though it may look like I am cool and calm on stage most of the time I am flipping out in my head. It wasn't until very recently that I started really loving to preform. The nerves have definitely subsided.
Yet playing my own songs, surrounded by friends and supported/"hiding behind a piano" is much different than standing in line with strangers, waiting to be judged on an empty stage with a microphone. Three people in front of you,, staring at you. Let's be real. They're judging you. 100%
How you look.
How you sing.
E V E R Y T H I N G.
Meanwhile you are singing your heart out trying to convince them you are "good enough".
So after waiting for almost 2 hours, which by the way, this should be a new form of torture. It was agonizing and exhausting..
Over analyzing the song you are singing...
Sizing up your competition...
Or "making friends"....
I kept telling myself. I'm gonna get up there and nothing is gonna come out.
My voice is going to physically fail me.
Finally they brought us into the auditorium and one by one our fate was determined. I'm talking maybe you sing for 30 secs..... Maybe..... Suddenly you are frantically cutting your song in half performing triage to what part is most important and shows off your vocal ability best. The girl in front of me, right before she was about to go on turns to me and says. "what's the opening line to Speechless! " Brains are starting to fail...But I politely told her what it was. She owes me! As I got closer to the front, I dealt with my nerves. And when I got up there somehow nothing failed me. I sang as best I could and walked off.
In the end I wasn't what they were looking for. Who knows why....I think I may have worried too much about singing well then actually "playing the part" .....Being weird enough or fitting into the image of her....Either way I left a totally changed person. It was the most pressure I've ever felt. The most intense audition I've ever been on. And again not because it was for Lady Gaga but because it was such unknown territory for me. It became a battle within myself to perform as best I knew how. There was a point where I almost convinced myself to leave. That no one would know I didn't try. But I stayed and I handled it. And now I'm so ready for the next one. I'm gonna kicked it's ass. When one door closes another door opens. I hope 100 doors open! I'm ready to work hard. This experience has only reminded me that anything is in our reach but you have to try. Be scared. Put yourself in uncomfortable positions. Learn to love them. When we are scared that is truly the physical signs of our bodies learning. And once you get through it be proud of yourself!